


sea change

by havisham



Series: havisham's SASO 2017 works collection [15]
Category: Free!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Chance Meetings, Grief/Mourning, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-07
Updated: 2017-06-07
Packaged: 2018-11-10 00:50:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,512
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11116437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/havisham/pseuds/havisham
Summary: AU where Rin drowns in a storm like the one that killed his father, leaving behind his childhood friend and his teammate to pick up the pieces.





	sea change

**Author's Note:**

> Written for SASO 2017 Bonus Round 1.5: AUs, for the [prompt]() _: Matsuoka Rin &/Nanase Haruka&/Yamazaki Sousuke (any combination of them in any arrangement). AU where Rin drowns in a storm like the one that killed his father, leaving behind his childhood friend and his teammate._

Sousuke met Haru at Rin’s funeral and left him with a bloody mouth. 

_You killed him_ , he hissed, each word followed by a blow. _Why did you do that? Why Rin? Why him?_ The adults pulled him away but Haru never resisted or fought back. He watched numbly as the curtain of adults closed over Sousuke’s raw and open grief.

_It should have been you!_

That was Sousuke’s parting shot. Not one part of Haru disagreed. 

*

They had gone swimming. It was Haru’s idea, as always. Rin has agreed to it, with a happy grin -- as long as Haru was willing to race. Haru grudgingly agreed to it, and they raced towards the beach, Makoto walking more sedately behind them. 

“To the rock over there?” Rin said, pointing to an outcrop of rocks that rose out of the sea, a hundred meters away. 

Haru nodded. 

It had been greyish sort of day, but clear, when they dove in, but once Haru surfaced, he saw that the world had darkened around him. Makoto was still on the shore, and he was yelling for both of them to come back. The wind whipped away his voice and it reverberated over the choppy water. 

The storm blew in before Haru could reach the shore.

Rin never did. 

*

They buried an empty box and carved Rin’s name next to his father's. Rin's mother and his sister, Gou, were surrounded by other people, clucking over their misfortune. Surely, they would move to the city, to get away from the sea that had taken so much from them. Gou turned and watched Haru, her eyes empty. 

That emptiness was worse than Sousuke’s accusations. 

*

Haru stopped swimming after that. 

He felt cut off from a part of himself, dried up like a desert, without a drop of water to comfort him. But that was just, in its way. Why should Haru swim when Rin couldn't? 

*

He met a stranger standing by Matsuoka family memorial and was going to turn back when he stopped him. “Nanase, wait,” he said, and the stranger was Sousuke, grown tall and broad intervening years since Haru had seen him last. His voice was different too, deep and low. 

Hari stood awkwardly, wondering what Sousuke could possibly say to him. 

Sousuke turned and touched Rin’s name thoughtfully. “Do you come here often?” 

“Every week,” Haru said. “I light a candle on the day -” The day Rin died. 

“I’ve been away,” Sousuke said. 

“I know,” Haru said drily. The whole town knew about Sousuke. He hadn’t stopped swimming after Rin died, and had moved to Tokyo to attend a high school with a strong swim club. They said that he'd been recruited for one the best university swim teams in the country, and there even rumors that he'd go to the Olympics in a few short years. 

“I keep thinking of him -- how he should be here instead of me. He was the reason I started swimming in the first place,” Sousuke said. He gave a short, cynical laugh. “You have no idea why I'm telling you this, right?” 

“Of course I know why, you idiot,” Haru said shortly. “Who else could you tell it to?” 

Sousuke blinked at him and agreed. 

Later, as the evening sky stained the sea pink and gold, Haru asked Sousuke if he was hungry. Sousuke’s cheek turned pink and sheepishly he admitted he was. They walked down the hill from Rin’s grave and through the town. They passed Rin’s old house, now closed and shuttered for the season (Rin’s mother rented it out to visitors from the city during the summer.) 

“I chipped a tooth there,” Sousuke said, pointing to a spot in the pavement. “Rin nearly puked himself, laughing before I started to cry and then he did too.” 

Haru nodded and dug his hands deeper into his pockets. They passed the elementary school, with the cherry tree stood dormant. “Rin,” Haru began to say and then shrugged. 

“He always wanted to swim in a pool of cherry blossoms, right?” 

Haru nodded, eyes wide. 

Sousuke smiled at him. For a moment, he looked young and carefree, like the person Rin must have loved. “He always said that, no matter how much we teased him.” 

“I miss him,” Haru said. 

“I do too,” Sousuke said, looking away. 

Sometimes Haru imagined how Rin would look at his age -- sixteen and tall, his bright smile still in place, but now with an element of danger. Beautiful. It was unfair that he would never see him again. 

“If you don't like fish, it's too bad, because that's all I have,” Haru said as they climbed the long steps to his house. Sousuke shrugged. 

“Haru-oniichan!” cried Ran from the top of the stairs. “Welcome back! Who’s that with you?” 

“Thank you,” Haru said with a smile when he reached her. “This is my -- friend, Yamazaki. Where's your parents? And Makoto and Ren?” 

“Mama and Papa are away and Oniichan is taking Ren to a dentist’s appointment. I think they were going shopping for dinner afterwards.” 

“Are you going to be all right?” 

“Of course,” Ran said scoffingly. Then she glanced over at Sousuke and looked at Haru. _Are you going to be?_

“All right,” Haru said with a wave. “Good night, Ran.” 

“Good night!” 

*

“I'm surprised, Nanase,” Sousuke said as they came into Haru’s house. 

Haru shot him a look. “Why?” 

“I didn't expect you to be so normal.” 

“Oh.” Haru turned away. “You’re very blunt. Go wash up and I'll start dinner.” 

“You cook?” 

Haru didn't dignify that question with an answer. 

*

After dinner, Sousuke began to make rumblings about catching the train and going back to school. He paused, waiting for the obvious question, but Haru concentrated on wiping the table clean. 

“All right then,” Sousuke said. “Thank you for the food. I'll see you, Nanase.” 

“The last train leaves in ten minutes,” Haru said, not looking at him. “You should stay the night and take the first train back.” 

“You want me to do that?” Sousuke asked doubtfully. Haru rolled his eyes. If he didn't, why would he say anything? 

“I'll go set up the futon,” he said and left. 

*

That night, Haru lay awake and thought about ghosts. He'd been too young, when Rin died to realize, but he thought now that there was no way he'd ever love anyone besides him. Not Makoto, not anyone. He wondered if it was the same with Sousuke. 

*

That morning, Haru woke up and went to soak in the tub. There was sounds from downstairs and he tensed for a moment before he realized that it was Sousuke. 

After breakfast, Sousuke took his leave. 

*

They met again at Rin’s memorial on the anniversary of his death. 

“Let me treat you this time,” Sousuke said, when the sun began to set. 

“I only eat mackerel,” Haru warned him. 

Sousuke winced. “I get it, I get it. I don't understand why you haven't sprouted gills by now.” 

Haru stared at him stonily. “You don't know that.” 

And, unexpectedly, Sousuke began to laugh. 

*

The next year, Sousuke didn't come. 

*

The year after that, everyone was there -- Gou, Rin’s mother, Makoto and his parents, Nagisa and his friend Rei, along with Sousuke and his family. Haru stood off from the rest and watched the workmen carve a square out of the stone and put in a small, waterproof compartment for Sousuke’s gold medal. Over it, there was going to be a glass cover with words etched into it. _For Rin._

Afterwards, Haru turned back and started down the path before the crowd. If he hurried, he would be home before the rain started. 

“Oi, Nanase!” Sousuke shouted behind him. Haru turned back and waited for him to catch up. “Gou’s packed a picnic for all of us. She’ll be hurt if you don’t join us. She even made mackerel, especially for you.” 

Haru looked at the sky. “It’s going to rain.” 

The skin around Sousuke’s eyes crinkled when he smiled. “We have umbrellas.” 

*

Later, when Haru had finally expelled the last of Gou’s protein powder-crusted fried mackerel from his stomach, he looked up to see Sousuke standing over him. “You bastard, you _knew_ ,” Haru said, with real feeling. 

“I’ll buy you a drink,” Sousuke said, “to make up for it.” 

Later, they were so drunk that the only way they could get back home was by supporting each other, arms wrapped around each other’s shoulders. If Sousuke went too far one way, however, Haru found himself getting dragged along with him or floating a few inches above the ground. He was so tall. It was bothersome. 

“I always thought,” Sousuke said, blinking owlishly at the night sky. “I always thought if Rin had lived, I would tell him that I loved him. It wouldn’t have mattered if he didn’t love me. I would tell him and it would be fine.” 

“What are you saying,” Haru muttered. “And in public too, you shameless drunkard. Of course he loved you. All he would talk about was you. Sousuke did this. Sousuke said that. Sousuke, Sousuke, _Sousuke_. I couldn’t even think of you as Yamazaki. It was impossible to keep the necessary distance.” 

Sousuke halted suddenly, nearly pitching Haru forward to the ground. Sousuke caught him just in time, however. “That’s more words than I’ve ever heard you say.” 

Haru glared at him. “I can speak.” 

“But you’re wrong,” Sousuke said, as if he hadn’t heard him. “Rin left me for you.” 

“He wanted to swim with me.” 

“Yes.”

“That doesn’t mean anything, you idiot.” 

“You’re the idiot if you think that didn’t mean anything to Rin.” 

“How pathetic we are,” Haru said, lifting up his face and letting Sousuke kiss him. The kiss was scratchy and Sousuke’s mouth tasted like liquor and, hauntingly, protein powder. But he wasn’t content with that. The heat built inside of him and he dragged Sousuke inside the house and slammed the door behind him. 

*

Afterwards, Haru shifted around in the guest futon he’d spread on the floor -- he hadn’t wanted to subject his innocent bed to mysterious stains or anything like that -- and poked at Sousuke’s side. Sousuke, still fast asleep, groaned in reply. 

“Wake up,” Haru said, and poked harder. 

“Wha- what are you doing,” Sousuke grumbled, glaring at him. 

“Do you think Rin would be ashamed of us?” 

“What?” Sousuke sat up and stretched. “Because we had sex? He wouldn’t have grown up to be an uptight guy. At least, I don’t think so.” 

“Because we’ve forgotten him,” Haru said, with clenched teeth. He wanted to cry, which was terrible. He didn’t want to cry in front of Sousuke. 

Sousuke blinked at him. “But we haven’t,” he said. “We wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for him.” 

“Do you remember his funeral?” 

Sousuke didn’t look nearly as surprised by Haru’s sudden change of subject as he should have been. “Not very well. I had an outburst, my parents said, and the doctor gave me something that made me sleep for a long time.” 

“You told me that it was my fault, that I should have died instead.” 

“Ah,” Sousuke said, folding his hands into his lap. “So, what was all of this? A elaborate form of revenge?” 

“What? No. You were right. I quit swimming after that. But it wasn’t enough. I can’t atone for anything that happened.” 

What are you talking about, atoning for what? What happened to Rin was an accident. Whatever I said then, it wasn’t true. You can’t take the words of an overwrought twelve-year old to heart, you know.” 

“Why not? I was twelve too, after all.” 

“Sheesh, you’re hard to talk to… Wait, did you say you quit swimming? Why? You were so good -- the best, Rin would say.” 

Haru shrugged. “I didn’t feel like it.” 

“Nan -- Haru.” 

Haru looked up, startling. It was the first time Sousuke had ever called him by his given name. Sousuke patted his check awkwardly. 

“Go to sleep. We’ll be getting up early tomorrow.” 

*

Haru woke up to the sound of someone moving in the kitchen. He crept in, ready to brain whoever had broken in with a vase when he stopped dead. In the kitchen was a slightly flustered Sousuke, who was trying to finish the miso soup and make the onigiri, all while the fish burned on the grill. 

“Where do you keep your things?” Sousuke complained as Haru tried to rescue the fish. “I couldn’t find anything where it should be.” 

“You could’ve asked me,” Haru said. 

Sousuke shook his head. “You take too long to get ready.” 

“Oh,” Haru said, putting down the vase. He’d forgotten to bathe. 

“See? I told you. Now hurry up and eat. I have a surprise for you.” 

*

The surprise turned out to be a beach, almost empty of people due to the changing of the seasons. It was still warm enough to bring a sheen of sweat on Haru’s forehead, however. The sun made the water sparkled invitingly. 

He turned to Sousuke and said, “Are you stupid? I haven’t gone swimming in ten years. Why do you think I’ll do it now?” 

“I don’t think you’ll do anything. I’m going to swim, you just followed me here.” Sousuke tugged off his shirt, revealing a display of glorious musculature that left Haru vaguely irritated and somewhat impressed. 

Still, he looked away, sulking. 

True to his word, Sousuke waded into the water, without looking back to Haru. 

Haru stayed on shore. The day was nothing like the one Rin had drowned on. Everything was calm and lovely. But still -- he distrusted it. Wouldn’t the water feel it, that he no longer loved it? Wouldn’t it reject him? 

Almost without realizing it, Haru inched closer to the water, until he was at the edge of it. It splashed playfully at his feet, and all at once he remember what he loved best about swimming. The absolute freedom of it. He missed it like he missed a part of himself. 

It was time to go back. 

Haru dived into the water and the water accepted him back easily, like it had been waiting. 

*

“Haru, I’m leaving you behind,” Sousuke said called to him, hours later. Haru sighed to himself. Still so bothersome. 

“There’s a good pool that I’ll go to later, by myself,” Sousuke said, turning away. 

Haru swam back and got out of the water, even as the surf clung to him like a lover, reluctant to let go. But still he went, letting the water drip down his back, refusing Sousuke’s proffered towel. 

He knew, with complete certainty, that if Rin had been alive, they would not be here right now.

Haru wouldn’t have quit swimming or gone back to it. Sousuke would never had walked beside him. Haru wished with all his heart that Rin had lived, and that he was with them now -- but -- 

For the first time in a very long time, Haru was content to just be here and live now. 

There was nothing else to it. 

**Author's Note:**

> Writing in Haru POV is hard! Especially grieving Haru POV. 
> 
> Also please note how hilariously wrong both Sousuke and Haru are about how Rin would've turned out. Thank you.


End file.
